An Elegy for the Lost

I miss you .

 

The way you happily welcomed each new day,

Greeting everyone with a “Good morning!”

Not just with your words, but with your smile

That lit up your face, much like the sun does to the world.

 

The way you wore kindness on your sleeves,

Matched with untarnished sincerity,

Never thinking twice about trying

To see the best in other people, no matter what.

 

The way you pursued the things that meant a lot to you,

With passion and drive to reach for the stars,

Certain that anything less will not be enough,

And that nothing more is just too much.

 

The way you felt so secure in your own person,

Self- assured but never arrogant,

Not minding what other people thought or said,

Just content to be able to do what you wanted in life.

 

I miss you,

And I mourn for the loss of you every day,

Wondering if you’ll ever find your way back to me,

Or if I’ll ever be able to finally move on.

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The Decision

The Decision

 

You’ll probably never get to read this,

(because you never read any of my stuff )

but I still want to write it all down.

When you made the Decision three years ago,

when you chose to walk away from it all

to go after what you really want

to be the person you really want to be,

I thought you were crazy.

And yet, some part of me understood.

Some part of me was envious even.

Because you were able to make the choice I never could.

You were brave enough to make the Decision.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to gather as much courage.

I don’t even know if it’ll make a difference if I do.

But I’ll try to be brave in my own way,

so that come one day,

I’ll be able to embrace the Truth as you did.

A Pledge to the Written Word

I did it. I finally did it.

I’ve finally made the decision to put writing first for the coming months. God knows I’ve always put it last, compared to all my doctor stuff, but now that I finally have time on my side, I’m going to put it first. I want to see what happens when I give it my full focus, when I give it my 100% and more, when I give it priority.

A writing mentor of mine once advised me to treat writing as a job because that’s what it is. It’s a job. But I could never fully treat it as such when I only turned to writing when I can have ample breaks from my medical life. I think I’ve lost a lot of writing opportunities because I was so busy trying to become a doctor. Furthermore, I think I also  failed to give my all into my academic work because I was likewise concerned over the stories that were demanding to be written and yet had to be downright ignored. But that’s another blog entry to be told…

I miss the good old high school days when I could seemingly manage to do multiple things all at the same time and with much success. Academic and extra-curriculars at school gave me a relatively full daily schedule that was more-or-less balanced out by the privilege of being able to go home as well as enjoying weekends off. Somehow, back then, I was able to keep my spot on the honor roll, while heading two student organisations, representing the school in a number of competitions and seminars, maintaining a semblance of a social life, and getting ample time to write. In the words of my dad, I am truly amazed at how [Past Angeli] could do all these things…  I keep reminiscing about those times, trying to figure out if there was something I lost over the years or if there’s something I’m doing wrong now. God knows I’d like to know.

I still think it’s possible to one day be able to reconcile my two loves – medicine and literature – without ever compromising one over the other. But for now, for the sake of my peace of mind, I’m going to go at it one at a time. I know that I still want to pursue residency, but applications for regular training aren’t until September – October, so I’m giving myself the remaining months to enjoy just being a writer. My heart’s always been with the written word, so I think it’s only right that I give myself a chance at this.

It’s not going to be easy. In fact, a few months may still not be enough, but it’s way more than I’ve ever had. But because this has always been a dream of mine, I’m willing to put in work to make things happen. This, I pledge.

Exploring Horizons

I spent a good amount of the day thinking, so much so that I had absolutely no progress with my writing, reading, or studying. I have absolutely 0% progress with that latter, since I’m still having an internal debate with myself. With certain opportunities opening its doors to me, I just had to take some time to explore my horizons.

How do you know if a certain thing is for you? I hate these moments of indecision so much. I’m so afraid of making mistakes, so afraid of choosing wrong, of getting my spirit broken and wounded yet again when it still hasn’t healed completely. As much as I don’t want to compare myself to my peers, I can’t help but do that, and be envious of the determination they possess, of the paths they’re exploring, of seeing the path they know is theirs. I’m envious of their pursuit of their dreams.

I used to have dreams. I think I still have them, but they’re currently all so blurry in my mind. I miss the days when I have such a clear vision in my head, something that’ll provide me with a drive to succeed and better myself. Right now, because of the gift of time, I’m inclined to think long and hard about what I want to achieve, and so far, I unfortunately still can’t give a 100%.

Some part of me is thinking about going back to school, but circumstances would require me to pursue a public health degree and I don’t know if I’m up for that, not because I’m not interested in it, but because I’ve never imagined myself in that kind of work. Thinking about it terrifies me.

One thing I’m really sure about, though, is that I want to spend time writing. God knows how desperately I want to complete my long overdue novels. Maybe I should take a complete year off and just write? Mom and Dad say I have to at least do something medical so as not to lose hold of my knowledge and skills. I’m amenable to doing hospital duties, but I think what I just want for myself is an OPD post, something to do in the day, so that after work, I can go home and comfortably write.

In fact, if I’m really going to be honest with myself, I’m having an extremely difficult time deciding because what I really want is a medical field that will allow me time to write. Yes, it’s such a big part of my life that I really don’t want to sacrifice writing for a hardcore specialty. I love the OR, and it’s my happy place, but a lot of things are making me hesitant about pursuing Surgery or OB-GYN primarily because of the toxicity that will never allow me time to write (let alone time to think about writing), as well as the physical and mental demands of both. The relatively lighter field of Ophtha was what attracted me the most to the field, and it still seems like what can give me the best balance of my two wants. But the field is dangerously competitive nowadays and because I’m so afraid of getting my heart broken again, I want to be 100% certain that I want it before putting myself out there again.

Sigh~ This is so hard. I just want to commit to something. I wonder when I’ll ever reach, or even go near, 100% certainty.

Lord God, help me.

The Year, My Year

“Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than to look back.”  – Anonymous

Hey! It’s been a while, I know, and a lot of things have happened since I last visited my little nook here in cyberspace. Not to worry though! I will try to get entries written more often, now that it seems like I’ve suddenly got a lot of time in my hands.

First things first – seeing as my last entry was waaaaay back during our OB-GYN rotation, I’m pleased to write that I’ve successfully finished my internship, graduated from medical school, and passed the Physician Licensure Examinations last September, making this my first Flight entry as an official doctor. Yay~! I did lots of studying during the interval, as well as a lot of self-doubting, crying, praying, and contemplating life decisions. But after all that, it’s been decided that I do not plunge into residency just yet and instead, come up with this battleplan: The Year, My Year.

You see, I realize that it seems that I’ve been rushing through things all my life. I didn’t get to graduate grade school since my parents thought I’d be fine without taking Grade 7, so I transfered schools to get into high school straight from Grade 6. High school was great, probably some of the best years of my life), and then came college/med school wherein I was given the opportunity to rush ahead again, this time in the form of the prestigious Integrated Liberal Arts and Medicine (INTARMED) program of the UP College of Medicine. I was to spend only two years of pre-Med before diving into the trenches of medical school. Those two years were fun, thanks to great company, but they were also some of my most trying of moments – everything had to be learned at a faster pace, and what made it even more difficult is that I had to act like I wasn’t having a hard time with all of it, especially since I was surrounded by geniuses, knowing that I was nothing like them. Hindi pala ako matalino, nagsisipag lang.

Even while pursuing residency programs, it still seemed like I was rushing, what with, at 23-years-old, I appeared one of the youngest among those in the running. While I think it’s ultimately not the case, a part of me can’t help but think that my age somehow turned against me with consultants commenting  “bata ka pa naman”, or “you have youth on your side, it’s okay”, or even “okay lang ‘yan, magpa-mature [ka] muna”. But, my youth is besides the point – the bottom line is I didn’t qualify now; it’s not for me yet, it’s not yet my time.

Maybe this is God’s way of telling me to stop rushing and just take some time to rest, explore, and grow. He knows just how exhausting it’s all been for me, in more ways than one. There’s never been a race, anyway; we get to our own finish lines at our times. 

For now, I’m eager to claim this year as The Year, My Year. In fact, I have such high hopes for this year that I’m officially making a tag just for it, so as to compile this and all future entries

I’m happy to look forward. 

I’ve been watching old and new Asian dramas just because I have the time now (especially when I get writer’s block). Here’s something from Atashinchi no Danshi, a J-Drama way back from 2009. :)

2016: a farewell

7 years ago, 16-year-old me unknowingly made a decision that would change her – our – life forever. As she embarked on the journey that would shape a great deal of the person she would become, she felt like the end goal was lightyears away. 7 years was definitely a long time. 

But look where we are now, 16-year-old Angeli. 2017 is but hours away. This is our year. 

~

I spent the first hours of the last day of the year, December 31, 2016, as the duty intern at the UP-PGH Cancer Institute. As the dawn set in, and I started my scheduled monitoring of the patients undergoing chemotherapy, the patients as well as their watchers began greeting each other a happy new year. When I entered one of the rooms to check on the patients’ vital signs, one of them, Mr. S, a middle-aged man undergoing chemotherapy, smiled me and enthusiastically greeted me, “Happy New Year na, doktora!” 

It was a mood uplifter in the middle of yet another duty night at the hospital. I smiled back at him and greeted him back. I proceeded to take his vital signs and ask him again how he was doing, how he was feeling. Mr. S just smiled and gave me a thumbs-up. He then told me how excited he was about being able to go home to spend the celebration of a new year. His chemotherapy session ended that morning and he was being discharged right after. I gamely shared my own gratitude for being able to go home to celebrate. Internship has been really tough in that you sometimes have to accept that you’ll be absent for a lot of things going on in the world outside the hospital, but when you get those rare times off, you have to make the most out of every second and spend those moments with the ones that mean most to you.

The sun was beginning to rise and for a short quiet moment, before returning to the Intern’s Corner, I found myself gazing at the mini-playground found in the middle of the Cancer Institute. Little by little, the expanding sunlight brought into view the humble garden that serves as a sanctuary of some sorts to the warriors fighting the battle known as cancer. The light signals the end of yet another duty night and I am overcome once again with gratitude. It was time to head home. 

~

That’s how I’d like to summarize my 2016. Tons of gratitude for being able to come home.

 Home has never been a singular concrete place. It is that feeling of belonging, of acceptance, of love, of simply being yourself. And after the rollercoaster that 2015 had been, 2016 was spent slowly finding my way back home. 

So, thank you, 2016. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m definitely glad to be here.

I’m definitely glad to be here to face the coming year and make it what it is meant to be: my year. 

2017, here I come. 

Live While We’re Young

I’m a little behind on my writing, aren’t I? Okaay. Maybe not just a little. Ugh. As much as I’d like to blame the whole ‘I-can’t-access-Wordpress-what-on-earth-is-wrong-with-my-Internet?!’ situation, that’s not really the real problem here. Once again, I found myself caught in between my two worlds. I spent any free time I had, resting while I could, spending time with my loved ones, and indulging in good books, movies, and dramas. I am such a lazy writer, gah. 

Thus, here is my effort to get back on the road of the written word. I have at least two blog entries I have to write to catch-up (will work on those soon!), but before I backtrack, I’d better get these thoughts written down before I get too lazy again… #internshipissoooooootiringyetfun #howtomaketimeforwritingpo

As we were ending our Ophthalmology rotation (much to my absolute regret, see more in a future blog post), I was suddenly struck with an unexplicable sense of impending doom. It was weird. At the back of my head, I wondered if something bad was going to happen, or if it was a symptom of some sorts (Med Tidbit: feeling a sense of impending doom could actually point to a variety of diseases, including  anxiety attacks, depression, myocardial infarction, and even aortic dissection). Thinking back, it was probably just because we were starting our Pedia rotation the next day after. Something about dealing with such a toxic rotation, and the fact that I’ve never been really good with kids, must have had me in jitters. And the only bad thing that happened that day was that I forgot my umbrella and got wet from the starting drizzles. 

And now, all of a sudden, I find myself halfway through Pedia. It wasn’t bad at all. In fact, there are several moments when it was actually fun.

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Weeks 1-2 of Pedia Internship consisted on unlimited charting at the OPD Sick Child Clinic and the numerous Subspecialty Clinics, and at night, ER back-up duties. Our three-woman duty team did great! Jobs tend to get a lot easier when you’re working with awesome people. But, since it’s the PGH PER we’re talking about, it is inevitable that things get a little rough every once in a while…
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And we end up pretty tired from it all. But of course, being the benign team that we are, we do get short nap times. :)) PER Triage hits! #kinderjoypamore #presentingKatyFairy || Photo credit (c) JB Besa — stolen shot! 
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Always a treat to go on post duty binge eating with these two! :)) Much to the regret of my stomach and wallet though… Haha! The post duty sleep that soon follows this is quite something as well, and the eventual realization that things have once again come full circle and you have to repeat the whole Pre-Duty-Post cycle once again. Haaaay Buhay Medisina! || Photo credit (c) Myza Espallardo

~

Weeks 3-4 sent me back to the Pedia Wards and this time around, I got to spend time with the Hema Onco patients. One of the challenges of being a Hema Onco (HO) Intern was that you went on duty alone and you were semi-in-charge of all 15 HO patients admitted for the tour of your duty. Mini-JWAPOD-ship every duty!

Still, the greatest challenge for the HO intern was probably training your heart to deal with the hardships of caring for children with cancer. It honestly broke my heart, seeing all these children, some as young as 11 months old to adolescents at the bringe of adulthood, dealing with such a complicated thing such as cancer.

One time, when I was in the middle of monitoring duties, 18-year-old L.O. (not her real name) caught me off-guard with such a difficult question. As she held her arm out so I could take her blood pressure and pulse rate, wearing such a sad expression on her face, she asked me, “Dok, kailan po ba gagaling ‘tong leukemia?“. I honestly struggled with an appropriate answer, completely unsure of how I should go about it. I went with a general reply, saying that patients, being different from one another, also responded to treatment regimens differently. She only had to do what she ought, be compliant with her medications and to take care of her self, so we could hope for her best shot at recovery.

It was a sad reality, what these children have to deal with. Instead of spending time playing, having fun, learning, making friends, discovering the world and what it had to offer, they were stuck in a hospital, getting their blood examined daily, dealing with medications and diagnostics here and there. They were forced to struggle with the war of life versus death, when they haven’t really gotten their fair shot at life yet. Meanwhile, their families, especially the parents, were facing their own battles. It is unimaginable how a father or a mother could bear seeing their child suffer. Dealing with mortalities at the Pedia ward was difficult, to say the least, both for the loved ones left behind and for healthcare workers like us.

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A beacon of light within such a sad reality… It was a common sight at our HO Ward, having do-gooders come to share food, gifts, and time with our patients. :) These characters from Star Wars came not only once to cheer up patients and to wish them a speedy recovery! || Photo credit (c) Teedee Estrada

~

And just like that, we’re in Week 5-6 of Pedia internship! Time to spend time with the newborns at the catchers’ area/NICU. First duty down, and it went pretty well! Here’s looking forward to more fun and learning! Can’t believe I actually worried about this rotation in the first place… Hehe!

Twinning! :) My first catch of  Pedia Internship is this live baby boy! Cutie! Photo taken and posted with mommy's permission
Twinning! :) My first catch of Pedia Internship is this live baby boy! Cutie! Photo taken and posted with mommy’s permission || Photo credit (c) Myza Espallardo